Where my head is....

So, I do have something troubling my mind....

There is this person. We shall call them Tennessee (TN for short). TN and I have been talking for almost a year. It's been a good year. A troubling year. A maturing year. The start of our Senior year of college. Ironically, we met randomly from Twitter. We followed each other and kinda flirt from time to time, but I didn't think anything of it. I thought it was conversation, but they were interested in me. This is back in August 2012, maybe mid-August. Cool. I would say by the end of August, I started to catch feelings. Using 'babe', 'bae', all that good-ish. Not realizing what it was actually doing.

Mind you, I haven't been in a lot of relationships. Maybe 3 maximum, and that's a sham if I include one of those. lol. But I have always wanted one. Not a perfect relationship, but definitely one where we can get along. Where we can laugh, get smacked together, and have phenomenal sex, whenever and wherever we felt. A compromise.

So, TN long story short was ready for one. I was leaning towards one, but I was, and still not ready. In October, TN was making a trip to the East coast and we decided that we would finally meet up and truly feel each other out. Shockingly, it did. When their friends met me, they were happy. When I met TN, I was happy. Overall, it was a good trip. TN went back to where they were going and here I am, back in my room in NYC. We would Skype and text and call all the time. However, I started to feel caved in. Almost like i was being forced into something. TN started saying "I love you", I surely didn't. However, I made that fatal mistake in November. But it was legit. I do love TN, just not in the same manner. Through our conversations, I learned that we are complete opposites in personality. But we are the same. It was weird, and unfamiliar territory for me.



A week before my birthday, and a couple of days before Thanksgiving. I break the news to TN saying that I don't like where this is going, and that I am not ready for a relationship. I wasn't lying. I wasn't. Still not. I'm not ready. However, I felt hurt because they became a big part in my life because they were there for me through some rough times, and I was there for them. And when you talk to someone all the time, how can you NOT begin to grow feelings and all that. So, I head the tears, I felt the pain. I felt bad because I would be added to the list of people that hurt their heart. It was never my intention.

So we decided that we would still talk, but on a different level. More like friends. Was I wrong for doing that? Yes, because it gives a somewhat false sense of reality. And No, because I would be leading them into something that I know I wouldn't be able to commit to, and that hurts EVEN MORE than a friendship. At least with a friendship, we can talk, but understand each other. So, time goes on, we continue to talk. I sometimes text "I miss you"s and "I love you, but not how you want me too" and so forth. But they would say, "I love you, but I know it won't happen how I want it to until you're ready." Which is ultimately, true. We both were expressing how we felt.

One random day, TN texts me saying, "In order for me to get rid of my feelings for you, I would have to stop talking to you." I was not ready for that text, but I replied that I do not want them to leave me. Mainly because it is weird to not hear anything from them for a long extended period of time. Like, I personally can go a full 24hrs without talking to someone, but best believe I will contact you at some point the second day. So, TN's text stayed with me. I prayed and thought about their happiness. They would be waiting for me to be ready for mad long, or I don't know how long, but when I am ready to be tied down. I don't want to hurt.

The way my luck goes, right when someone stops talking to me, they find someone that they are legitimately happy with. Happens every time, without fail. So, I am thinking about that, and their new beginnings. TN is moving to TX to start a new job in July. Perfect for them. A legit brand new start to their life. I want TN to be the happiest person alive because they damn near deserve it. As I tear up thinking about how much I KNOW I would hurt, it sucks that they have been used so many times by other people, and I wish I could hurt them for hurting TN. I did not nor do not want to be added to that list.

So, yesterday, Thursday, I made a phone call to TN. I pretty much explained that in order for their happiness and sanity, we should stop talking. Not that I want to stop talking to them, but for their happiness. Once I said this, TN hung up on me, although they had every right to do so. Although, throughout the entire day, throwing mad shade and rude, but whatever. lol. I did not know how react.

At the end of the day, I miss TN already. With all my heart I love them, sincerely and I mean everything by it. I just know that some things you have to let go if you truly love someone. If it is truly meant to be it will happen. I want to text to say hi, but I am sure it will go unanswered. I do miss my baby, but I know some things you will have to let go and pray they come back. I just want TN to be happy and successful, in everything that they do. They deserve it. And this is how I have ended my Senior year in college....

Heart-broken by my own terms and conditions.....